No News Is Good News . . . Ok, Not Always.

In my last post I was figuring that "no news is good news". At the time it was so.

Now it ain't so. Sorry.

For those of you who do not check our other blahg you may not know that we had to place our eldest at "Camp Oh Boy!" a couple of weeks ago. It was hard to do but the break has been good for our family (we've even had a little bit of fun).

I haven't written about our break because I'm tired. Emotionally. I think I am afraid to write about what it feels like to have an incredible weight that has been carried around for years lifted for a small season. I think it will sound weird to people and we won't be understood.

I want people to know, especially as I eventually share more of our journey with a child who has serious issues, that I love my son. God gave him to us. We chose him. And we will do whatever it takes, within our power, to get him the help he needs.

I plead with you to pray for wisdom and discernment for my greek god and I. There is no "rule book" for a life such as ours. No training manual. People who have "been there" have differing opinions about how one should go about getting help (most of them don't know my son and offer advice that I believe is for children with much more severe issues than my child). So again, I plead you to pray. Oh how we need wisdom, discernment, patience, and compassion.

God is good all of the time. I cling to that.

Thanks for checking in. MB

No News is Good News. Yes?

One reason I started this blahg was so that I could "vent, scream, cry" in the midst of hard times.

It has been silent here for a good reason.

I have not needed to. Times are definitely still hard but not nearly as difficult as they were leading up to the creation of this blahg. Thank the Lord!

We are not done with our trials. Oh no. My stomach has started reacting to the stress, much like it did in my adolescence, I cry much easier, it stresses me out to be around other people (because I feel the need to put on the fake smile because I don't want to be a burden to others), etc. But we are in the midst of a calmer storm. And that I am grateful for. I don't feel like I am going to have a heart attack constantly, I'm starting to sometimes feel hopeful for the future, I'm starting to sometimes be able to think about what others may need besides those within our house walls.

I am still not a Job. Oh so so far away from that. I am scared for the next big storm for fear that the waves on the sea I am navigating will be the end of me. Really, the Lord will not give me more than I can bear, but oh how I do not want to know how far that can go.

God is good. All the time.

So for now in the midst of the calm moment of this storm I am resting. Savoring the calmness. Thanking the Lord. Glad to not have to write over on this blahg because truly, sometimes, no news is good news.

Did you ever get yourself one of those fancy-smancy frappo-somethings?
mb

Now That Was Sad

As you know life has been really hard around here. It's been that way for a long time. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until this morning. Our eldest son's psychologist gave our family a "homework" assignment. The assignment is meant to help us to see something positive in the midst of hard times when it is so easy to see only the negative. He even mentioned how Paul the apostle talks about thinking about what is good and right. We are to take turns as each member of the family says something that is appreciated about the each of the others. Something the person has done (whether it be for them or someone else), a talent or ability the person possesses, or a character trait or quality.

Today, we were supposed to say something that was appreciated about the other (out of any of the above categories). Not too hard. Then we had to say what we appreciated about ourselves. Just one thing.

I panicked when I heard that I had to do that. When it was my turn I couldn't think of a single thing that I appreciate about myself. I asked "what happens if I don't answer that question?" "You fail," my greek god answered jokingly. I sat a while longer finally not able to hold back my tears. I tried and tried to think of something. Anything. Nothing. So I just cried and finally said "I guess I'll just take a 'fail'". Wow. I hadn't realized how much these last few years and especially the last year had taken it's toll. No wonder why I don't take care of myself. Or maybe it's because I don't take care of myself?

My greek god was kind and said that he would tell me another thing he appreciated about me. He appreciates that I am compassionate and care about other people (this was in addition to his first appreciated statement of how I work hard to keep our family running). I think my "problem" stems from being compassionate and caring about other people. That's how I got into this mess. That's how I have gotten to where I can't think of one good thing about me. I've allowed myself to get so beaten down by "certain people" and circumstances.

But, is that all bad? I mean shouldn't that lowliness draw me to Christ? Shouldn't I find my worth in Him? The only I thing I see "bad" about not appreciating anything about me is that I might be overlooking gifts the Lord has given me. Talents He has blessed me with. Opportunities to praise Him for those things.

Hmmmmm. I am just trying to figure this out. Do you have any words of wisdom? What "should" a Christian appreciate about herself? Do I "have" to appreciate myself? Is it wrong to not have an appreciation for self? Should there be things that we are "proud" of?

Thanks for any insight.

MB

Just What I Needed

Amy Scott at Amy's Humble Musings had this post which was just what I needed to read tonight.

Well, and this one, too. I'm feeling funkae how about you?

blahgin' it up! MB

Must. Press. On.

Please pray for perseverance for me.

I so desperately need a break right now and it's just not possible.

I must press on.

I feel overwhelmed by my eldest getting worse and not better, so it seems. Maybe it's the storm before the calm? I feel overwhelmed by the needs of my other son. Can we really teach him at home with him being on the "Autism Spectrum" and meet his needs? Three with special needs is just plain overwhelming at times and yet all five need a level-headed kind-hearted mama as well as I meet all of their needs.

God's grace is sufficient for me. I need to cling to that.

Trials are to bring about a refining for me. I should be glad.

Even if the hard times last the rest of my life and only get worse. It is only a season.

Thank you for praying. God is good. No matter what.

MB

Seven Hours Of Sleep!

I attained seven hours of sleep last night! In a row! Non stop!

Many weeks ago Baby was sleeping through the night (I didn't get to because of the mega-trial we've been in with our eldest). Then came her first cold. A real doozy. Plus her top teeth decided to come in. Plus learning to roll over onto her belly but not being able to roll onto her back.

Last night she slept through the night for the first time in weeks. Yipppeeee! Thank You Lord! And since I am able handle life a bit better now I, too, was able to get sleep. Hopefully, tonight there will be a repeat performance.

- it's blahg! MB

Doing Better These Days

It seems that God has graciously delivered me from my post-partum depression (putting that mildly). Soon after completely weaning Baby those nasty hormones left quickly. Honestly, we expected it to take months for me to stabilize but in God's great mercy on my family (and me) it happened much sooner.

I am still sad to have had to end such a beautiful experience prematurely but we are seeing the fruits of our decision. I am able to engage my children in a way that I have not been able to in a long time. I am able to handle the very difficult days we have with our eldest better now (thank You Lord!). I am able to be more of a support to my hubby.

I'm coming along and healing. I still have "psycho moments" (unfortunately, I still gotta deal with PMS) but it's not continuous.

Thank You Lord for your grace and mercy.

- it's blahg! MB

Psycho-Mama Disappearing?

Having weaned my sweet baby seems to have helped with the hormones. I'm not psycho-mama every day now. I did have a minor set back yesterday but on the whole I am doing better. It is absolutely amazing what hormones can do to a woman's body and brain. For those of you who don't believe in PMS or post-pardum issues you clearly have never been striken by them, thank God. Feel free to ask my husband if they are real.

I know I have a long way to go but I have been amazed at what a difference I feel. I honestly expected that I would experience a difference in a few months. It is refreshing to have some calmer moments much sooner. I hope to keep getting better (I know my greek god hopes so, too!). I know I am getting better because a bout a week and a half ago we had a couple of "setbacks" (for lack of a better term) with our eldest that would have completely made me come unglued. I definitely had a hard time with the situations (shortness of breath and dizziness) but I didn't go "hormonal". Major evidence of God's grace in my life. Thank You Lord!

Today was a tough day with our eldest. Again, I didn't go into psycho-mama. God's grace and mercy. Since my greek god has been working a lot lately I have been taking over more of the tasks he has been caring for for the last year. Our eldest, for some reason, decided to really test me today. He pushed and pushed. I just kept my cool (by God's grace and mercy . . . did I already mention God's grace and mercy?) and gave him hugs. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for him.

Thanks for visiting "Blahg Talk". MB

Life is Hard

But God is Good.

Today on "Blahg Talk" I am going to tell you that life is soooo hard right now. I am trying to rest in the goodness of God. Romans 8:28 has been one of my favorite verses and has carried me through many trials. "All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I am trying to cling to that truth. Cling cling cling.

We are in the midst of the biggest trial we have yet to face. I have had anxiety attacks, felt like I was going to pass out because of "system overload" (this happens quite often), wondered if I was having a heart attack, been angry at myself for not trusting God more and being so weak.

God has carried us through many difficult times. He has been so faithful and merciful. The first chapter in James tells us we are to have joy in the midst of trials because we grow through them. Trials build character through perseverance. My own experience tells me that and then the Word of God tells me as well.

Yet I struggle this time.

It's a multifaceted trial.

One part is postpartum depression. It has been pretty severe. Severe enough that my greek god strongly encouraged me to stop nursing. Get these hormones out of my body. So, though nursing went so beautifully this time and I actually enjoyed it, I no longer nurse. My sweet little one just turned 6 months old yesterday and that may be the last day she receives mama's milk. She's such an easy laid back baby that she's perfectly fine with formula. Thank You Lord for giving me such a happy, mellow, easy going baby!

My postpartum depression would probably have been manageable had it not been for the doozy of a trial we going through with our eldest son (in addition to the other special needs of some of the other kids). What we are going through with him requires me to be as level headed and emotionally stable as is humanly possible (and in much need of God's grace and mercy). For the sake of his privacy, I cannot share specifically the details. I can say that what we are going through are the effects of his life before we got him (at the age of 6), experiences he has had since we've had him, choices he is now making and his inability and or unwillingness to bond with us. Sin sucks! There is no eloquent way I can say that.

This trial is effecting the way we parent our other children, how we respond to one another, and relationships outside of our immediate lil' family. Some of the effects are beneficial and some are not (feels like mostly not).

This trial has caused me to grow up and I don't like it one bit. I feel much older than I am. I feel that I have lost my youth. I hope and pray that someday I feel young again. I am disillusioned with my life long dream of fostering and adopting children and making a difference in their lives. I hope to find joy in this trial.

Speaking of joy in the midst of trials. What does that REALLY look like? Are we supposed to say "Yippee! This hurts really bad. I'm so excited that I am going to grow and I'll be a better person when I'm through."? Can we weep, get angry, be afraid, get tired, etc. and still have "joy"?

One thing I have tried to tell myself during this is that this is NOTHING compared to what Jesus went through for my sins.

I'm tired. You are probably, too, after reading all of this! You know, you deserve a carmel frappa-something from one of those coffee shops just for reading through this blahg entry! Go treat yourself.

Thanks for joining me here on "Blahg Talk". Hopefully next time two things will happen: One, the entry will be shorter. And two, I'll post something lighter.

Until next time. MB